Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Who runs the world....

Well the last few days have been quite important for the female sex. International Women’s Day on Friday, Mother’s Day on Sunday and yesterday another woman stood up against the sexual predator that is Harry Styles.

(Calm down 1D’ers I have listened to 1D’s ‘Kiss You’ on repeat more times than I would like to admit, so no hating please!)

Now I am not a parent, and as most of my friends will tell you, I am really not the mothering type. I am aware that there are probably mothers, daughters, grandmothers (Hi Nana), fathers and sons (see, not sexist!) reading this, but I have to admit I am that person who strategically chooses a seat as far from a small child as possible on a plane (cheers Easyjet for going back to allocated seating). And I have got off a bus three stops early when a child wouldn’t stop crying, that level of noise in such a confined space was just more than I could bear.

But I am a daughter who sadly couldn’t see her mum this weekend due to ridiculous flight prices back to Belfast (god Easyjet, can you do anything right?!).

My mum and I had the classic ‘no honestly, don’t get me anything’ chat early last week, which of course is code for ‘Thornton’s summer fruits chocolates will be just fine’, but for some reason, this year, I took her request quite literally.

As the guilt started to set in, and the subsequently bought Thornton’s chocolates made a disappearing act, I had to rethink.

I tried to remember some of the great memories over the years, like Mum v Ikea Furniture with incorrect screws, or Mum v Crowbar while laying floorboards. Both great and hilarious moments in my opinion, but my mum swears that neither of these events actually took place (she has obviously repressed those traumatic memories) so maybe best not to dwell on those.

I decided that I was going to attack this Mother’s Day gift DIY style. So I set off into London with my twin sister, a photographer (who was blissfully unaware of this role when agreeing to the day trip) and a handmade I LOVE MUM sign.

The idea was to create a photo/video montage of this sign and us across London. It started with the simple, un-intrusive photos of me with my hairdresser, then with the barman at a pub (cheeky sod then tried to get my number so he could “send the photo to his mum”…I know your game!). Next stop was a casual Tube photo; you can imagine how well that went down with the London commuter beside me…not awkward at all.

We then decided it was time to move on to bigger targets, the London Eye, Big Ben, etc. We were tempted by a large wooden climbing frame on the Southbank, but as ‘big kids’ weren’t allowed, we decided it was best to avoid this photo opportunity, as our mum would definitely not appreciate a phone call from the police on Mother’s Day.

Our final few shots were with the talented Southbank street performers, which I have praised in previous blogs. The man dressed as a chicken and the green Frankenstein were more than accommodating, but one particular performer had a different agenda all together.

A man painted head to toe in gold, floating in mid air; how could you miss that photo op, right? WRONG! He asked for a kiss on the cheek in return for the photo. I naturally obliged, as my thespian sister couldn’t possibly risk contracting tonsillitis, glandular fever or swine flu before a performance…

So as I moved in for the kiss, and yes you’ve guessed it, he pulled the fastest head-turn I have ever witnessed and got me square on the mouth, I swear he tried to get the tongue in too! I’m not going to lie, I felt somewhat violated after my mouth-assault, but it did produce some pretty amusing photos, so Mum, I hope you appreciated it!

Lots of people asked to borrow my sign to send pictures to their mums, (you lazy dogs, know who you are!) so I think I managed to spread a little love, and no doubt facial herpes, around London on Saturday.

Of course I am not suggesting that, next year, you all put yourselves at risk of mouth-assault for Mother’s Day; a perfectly good, and hygienic option for Mother’s Day is afternoon tea. Lots of places around London offer it, with my personal preferences being the Sanderson Hotel Mad Hatter tea party and, for a more traditional affair try Camellia’s Tea House on the top floor of Kingly Court; Carnaby Street- the Red Velvet cake is something else!

So, to my lovely Mum, I thank you for everything you have done for me, and I am thankful everyday that I inherited your deep-seated love of chocolate and list writing. It has created the most perfectly organised route to obesity.

Not under pressure for Father’s Day at all…

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